Chapter 3

The Adventures of Richard Garrettson

Chapter 3: The Kona Days

Vol I

Richard searched for other jobs to supplement his part-time exterminator income.  He put his resume on Monster.com and checked in with a few of his previous employers.  As he was talking to the manager of a country club he worked at in past summers, he remembered an offer he received while visiting his friends in Austin, Texas.  His friend, Sigmund Pickler (Sig Pi for short), owns a snow cone truck franchise and mentioned to Richard that if he was ever free, he could drive a U-Haul down to Texas carrying two freezers from up North for a nice little payday.  Not having any luck in his job search, Richard called Siggy to see if the offer was still on the table.

Not only was the offer still available, Sig told Richard that he could really use another driver for his fleet.    As great as the plan sounded, Richard knew that he couldn't make a this decision without talking it over with his girlfriend, Begonia.  To his surprise, she instantly loved the idea and agreed to travel down to Texas and learn the snow cone trade with him.

They were all set.  They packed up Richard's tan Corolla and hit the road.  With an overnight stop in Memphis, the twenty-three hour drive took two days.  They arrived at their new place, said hello to their new roommates, and went over to the warehouse to learn their new vocation.  The other members of the team included Richard's old friends Andrew "Bacon" Elgie, and Vin Hasty.  Richard and Begonia learned the basic principles of ice-shaving and flavor-pouring before going back to the townhouse for some much needed rest.  The real fun started in the morning.

Siggy put Richard and Begonia on the road together for their first day.  He taught them the right speed and pace to use around the neighborhoods and sent them out to bring in some money.  Richard loved it.  He was out and about in a strange new city, driving a snow cone truck and rocking out to religious songs that were remade using steel drums (to give them an island feel).  It was a fun job, he had three great new roommates, and his girlfriend was happy, things were going just fine.

He had to run to IKEA to get a cheap little desk so that though it all, he could keep drawing cartoons...

Chicken Cacciatore

The Adventures of Richard Garrettson

Chapter 2: The Destruction of Termite City

       After graduation, Richard wasn't ready to jump right back into school.  He decided to work for a year or so before applying to law school so he could save some money.  His friend, Preston, worked for his brother in the summer doing termite treatments to houses.  Preston suggested that Richard work with him for the summer and Richard jumped at the opportunity.  He would get to work outside, he would log around forty hours a week and he got to work with his friend.  

       The process was simple, drill holes at one foot intervals around the house, pump insecticide into the holes, and patch them up.  Richard was the drill man.  Drilling was a harder assignment than pumping, but there was something satisfying about using that big-ass drill to break through the cement.  

       Life was simple; wake up, drill holes, fake laugh at the customer's awful jokes, (They ought-a call this place termite city huh?!) drive around and go home.  Richard was making money and aside from a few busted knuckles caused by the dreaded, "drill backfire," his body was no worse for wear.  

       Then came the Fall.  Business slowed and there weren't enough jobs to keep both guys busy full-time, so Richard received a notice via e-mail.  His manager informed him that he would be switched to part-time, two days a week, and if he wanted to look for new jobs that she would understand.  That was it... the termites had won.

       So he rambled on looking for his next adventure and through it all, he drew more cartoons.

"Spicy Romance" 

by: Cam

I recently went to a Taco Bell to grab a bite to eat. As it had been a

long time since I had been to that fast food establishment, the sauce

greetings were new to me. As I went to grab the first sauce, I noticed
that the sauce was asking me for my hand in marriage. I found myself
telling the sauce that I was already engaged.

After exhausting the first packet on my food, I reached for another
one, which again asked for my hand in marriage. I thought to myself,
"this bitch is assertive", saying again that I was not interested,
given that I was currently taken (I did thank her, saying, "you
flatter me with your persistence"). Finishing the second packet, I
found that I needed at least three more packets to provide thorough
coverage of my meal.

The next one I grabbed asked me if we had met before. "Indeed we have.
In fact you have just asked me to marry you twice." Thinking that my
saucy mistress had significant trouble forming short and long-term
memories, I was pleased that her fancy for me was not short lived, but
rather had some staying power (no doubt due to my stunning good
looks). Beyond that, I was pleased that I had not hastily rushed out
of a perfectly good marriage into one that would have been doomed from
the start given her cognitive impairments and her sole reliance on one-liners.

Growing hungry, I decided to stop loading the sauce onto my meal. As I
ate, I contemplated the strange day, and it slowly dawned on me that I
had made a terrible mistake...I was not interacting with one memory
impaired suitor, but quintuplets (remember that, growing hungry, I had
not yet met the two others who were still in the bag)! I promptly
apologized to the three of the quintuplets with whom I had interacted,
expressing my embarrassment at having made such a mistake. They were
gracious though, saying that they had grown used to it. Quickly
recovering my wits, I said, "indeed I would imagine so, given your
striking phenotypic similarities".

During the awkward silence that ensued, I bid my farewell, telling them
that I needed to get back to work, and they agreed that they should be
going too.

We parted ways amicably enough.

Reflecting on the experience, I realize that the truth is indeed often
stranger than fiction...

Chapter 1

The Adventures of Richard Garrettson

by: Garrett Richardson

Chapter 1: An Education

We meet Richard in the Spring of 2009.  He is in his final semester at the University and is very excited for the challenges ahead.  He is a broadcast journalism major with a minor in Law & the Liberal Arts.  All his life, Richard wanted to work in the film industry, but when it came time to apply for the film program, he discovered that he would have to transfer to the Main Campus a semester early.  Not ready to make such a drastic change so quickly, he sought the advice of his trusted advisor.  She told him that if he liked film, Broadcast Journalism might be the way to go because you basically learn the same things.  He found out quickly that this wasn't the case.  Instead of learning interesting camera shots and editing techniques, Richard learned about the, "If it bleeds, it leads," theory, which states that the most violent stories are the most newsworthy and should be run at the beginning of the broadcast.  The more disenchanted he became with his major, the more Richard thought about Law School as an alternative to a career in Journalism.  He started to set himself on cruise control during the Broadcast classes and pay more attention to his courses that dealt with law and the justice system.

         Through some devilishly clever scheduling, Richard’s last semester was far and away his easiest.  He had three real classes that met on Tuesday and Thursday, and two online courses that he completed at his leisure.

(Tuesday/Thursday - Intro to Basketball 8:00-9:30, Squash I 10:00-11:00, Criminology 2:30-4:00)

As graduation grew ever closer, Richard’s classmates talked about their internships for the following summer or the entry level job offers they had received, while Richard sat back, content with his lack of a plan, because he was going to be a big shot lawyer someday. 
Through it all, he drew cartoons...

Dick Garrettson

Cartoon Character...

Name: Richard Garrettson

Age: 24, well, 25 in December

A recent college graduate, Richard (or Dick, as his "so called" friends call him) dreams of being a professional cartoonist someday, but since newspapers only print cartoons by syndicated artists like butthole Charles Shultz, Richard spends his days careening through the abyss known as the working world.  Follow Richard through his adventures as an exterminator, a tiki-bartender, and even as a snow cone truck driver in Texas, plugging away to make that all-mighty dollar, when all he wants to do is draw, drink, and DANCE...

(note: Any similarities to real-life persons or situations are completely coincidental, also Charles Shultz isn't a butthole, it's just frustrating is all...)

Pick-up Line- (note: the girl should be crying as a result of something her current boyfriend did or said.)

"Baby, with me it would be like Johnson and Johnson... No more tears."

Halloween Hangover

Title: Cow Tipping